Online dating for recovering addicts

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You can’t go on a first date and expect that a person will you back for a second date, if that person is not interested. We are not looking to be “completed.” We must begin to understand that we are complete, as is. Online dating sites are a petrie dish of toxicity for the love addict. Because they are filled with three things: the hope of instant gratification (finding someone with one click), the promotion of fantasy-based exchanges (when you don’t have a clear picture of someone you are free to “fill in the blanks” and create what you want that person to be), and the almost complete removal of the crucial human necessity to judge someone realistiy, in person, FIRST, before getting emotionally attached to them. More than that, it mht save you from obsessing more than you would if you have sex. I am convinced that every red flag a person mht have pops up on the first or second date, if we really pay attention. Our logical brains are screaming at us to leave a bad relationship. Trouble is, because we have been off balance for so many years, we need the pendulum to swing in the opposite direction. Where does he or she stand on marriage, affairs, children, parenting, age, eating, working out, drugs, sex, intimacy and so on.

Healthy dating in recovery - Addiction

And you can’t go on a first date (or a second or third) and start expecting that the two of you are automatiy a couple. And if we don’t feel complete on our own, we need to bring ourselves there first. Letting things happen organiy means removing the fantasy…100%. You can think about the wonderful feeling of his touch, but do not try on his name and imagine the two of you on an Alaskan Cruise as Honeymooners. One of the most important steps a recovering love addict can take is to abandon any idea of online dating. Because love addicts need to learn to defer gratification, control their susceptibility to fantasy, and be able to judge people realistiy, online dating is a bad idea. Cosmopolitan magazine recently wrote that not having sex on the first date is “outdated.” In other words, go ahead, girls, that rule is “antiquated and harmful” and produces “unnecessary anxiety and shame about something normal and natural: dating and sex.” Unfortunately, they were NOT talking to a love addict. Trouble is, when we want something bad enough, we are willing to nore the red flags, and nore our gut instincts. We need to depend more on our logical brain so that we begin to trust it again. Most of these things seem world’s away from a first-time meeting.

<i>Dating</i> a <i>Recovering</i> Addict Match-Maker or

Relationship advice for successfully dating a

These are all unrealistic expectations and you are setting yourself up for a huge let down. Healthy dating is about meeting other people who are also complete. You can certain enjoy the thoughts of her that pop into your head the next day, but don’t imagine what your children will look like. The more you fantasize, or obsess the more you remove the organic nature of what is meant to happen versus what is not meant to happen. It’s like an alcoholic hanging out in a bar after he has given up drinking. Online dating may be great for healthy people, but not for love addicts. Like it or not, you need to play by the antiquated, SAFE rules from days of yore. It usually means a full blown commitment and an excuse to obsess over someone. A love addict’s job is to learn to defer gratification. Keeping a journal helps us to stay on track and remember how we felt and what we sensed in those first hours. It sounds counterintuitive when talking about dating. Only then are we able to allow our emotions to “speak up,” once our logical brain has first determined that we are safe and secure. And I do not suggest you try to find out what your date thinks about child rearing on date #1.In this latter case, the person is not ready to date. And while a date may have elements of all those things IF there’s chemistry and attraction, don’t get too hung up on the chemistry and attraction. Someone finds you physiy attractive (or you find them physiy attractive, or both), and they want to get to know you a bit more. It mht be fun but it mht be awkward; it mht make you happy, but it mht make him never want to back. Your first date will most likely not look like the fantasy you’ve created in your head. If you go into a date looking for your soulmate, you will probably be sorely disappointed. Because you’re expectations are far too hh for an unsuspecting stranger who doesn’t know what you want or need and basiy owes you nothing but a little common courtesy–that’s about as much as can be expected on a first date.

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You may even fantasize about the hot guy or girl at the office who gave you a “look.” But when it really comes down to it, and the question gets popped (), some of us are simply not ready, emotionally, mentally or physcially. You know when the idea of dating doesn’t scare the hell out of you to the point where you simply cannot make the date, when it sounds “scary” but exciting too, when you don’t curl up into a ball and start crying hysteriy after a first date because all you can think about is your ex, when you start to feel comfortable around strangers (not 100% but enough to have the courage to do so), and when being alone is not a bad thing, but you’re ready for something new…

Online dating for recovering addicts:

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