Online dating for recovering addicts

Tips on Dating, for the love addict – The Lovely Addict

You can’t go on a first date and expect that a person will you back for a second date, if that person is not interested. We are not looking to be “completed.” We must begin to understand that we are complete, as is. Online dating sites are a petrie dish of toxicity for the love addict. Because they are filled with three things: the hope of instant gratification (finding someone with one click), the promotion of fantasy-based exchanges (when you don’t have a clear picture of someone you are free to “fill in the blanks” and create what you want that person to be), and the almost complete removal of the crucial human necessity to judge someone realistiy, in person, FIRST, before getting emotionally attached to them. More than that, it mht save you from obsessing more than you would if you have sex. I am convinced that every red flag a person mht have pops up on the first or second date, if we really pay attention. Our logical brains are screaming at us to leave a bad relationship. Trouble is, because we have been off balance for so many years, we need the pendulum to swing in the opposite direction. Where does he or she stand on marriage, affairs, children, parenting, age, eating, working out, drugs, sex, intimacy and so on.

Healthy dating in recovery - Addiction

And you can’t go on a first date (or a second or third) and start expecting that the two of you are automatiy a couple. And if we don’t feel complete on our own, we need to bring ourselves there first. Letting things happen organiy means removing the fantasy…100%. You can think about the wonderful feeling of his touch, but do not try on his name and imagine the two of you on an Alaskan Cruise as Honeymooners. One of the most important steps a recovering love addict can take is to abandon any idea of online dating. Because love addicts need to learn to defer gratification, control their susceptibility to fantasy, and be able to judge people realistiy, online dating is a bad idea. Cosmopolitan magazine recently wrote that not having sex on the first date is “outdated.” In other words, go ahead, girls, that rule is “antiquated and harmful” and produces “unnecessary anxiety and shame about something normal and natural: dating and sex.” Unfortunately, they were NOT talking to a love addict. Trouble is, when we want something bad enough, we are willing to nore the red flags, and nore our gut instincts. We need to depend more on our logical brain so that we begin to trust it again. Most of these things seem world’s away from a first-time meeting.

Sober <strong>Dating</strong> & Friends for Sober Singles in

Dating In Early Recovery The Rose for Women - The Rose Rehab

These are all unrealistic expectations and you are setting yourself up for a huge let down. Healthy dating is about meeting other people who are also complete. You can certain enjoy the thoughts of her that pop into your head the next day, but don’t imagine what your children will look like. The more you fantasize, or obsess the more you remove the organic nature of what is meant to happen versus what is not meant to happen. It’s like an alcoholic hanging out in a bar after he has given up drinking. Online dating may be great for healthy people, but not for love addicts. Like it or not, you need to play by the antiquated, SAFE rules from days of yore. It usually means a full blown commitment and an excuse to obsess over someone. A love addict’s job is to learn to defer gratification. Keeping a journal helps us to stay on track and remember how we felt and what we sensed in those first hours. It sounds counterintuitive when talking about dating. Only then are we able to allow our emotions to “speak up,” once our logical brain has first determined that we are safe and secure. And I do not suggest you try to find out what your date thinks about child rearing on date #1. If this wasn’t a love addiction blog I would definitely say, Carpe Diem! Just as a recovering alcoholic has to reconfure the people, places and things in his sober life, so too does a recovering love addict. Some love addicts become emotionally or sexually “anorexic,” which is a form of sex and/or love addiction also.

Navating Dating and Sex in Sobriety - The Cabin Chiang

And many of my dear friends on the LAA boards have started to date again (or want to date), after a long winter of introspection and recovery work. And when you know this, the safer and more successful you will be. Lastly, there is the issue of replacing one Po A with another, diving from one relationship into another, thus being “ready” for the wrong reasons. A date is not romantic, it is not your future, it is not love, it is not a dreamy Hollywood story of passion and ardor.


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